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[ Fanfiction ] To Erase, Or To Be Erased: Naruto Online Characters (Rated M)

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  • Registered: 2017-07-24
  • Topics: 33
  • Posts: 270
On 2017-02-17 13:40:48Show this Author OnlyDescending Order
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Summary: His teammates' deaths led Kyoma fleeing to a new village, new life and a new goal.
Note: Be warned: this story is considerably dark… Note 2: I forgot to mention that the main character is supposed to be Midnight Blade. *sweatdrops*
Prologue - Kyoma FuujiThis was supposed to be a regular C-rank mission.
This was supposed to be a mission to meet up with some Konoha jounins. I didn’t know what business they had here, but I thought we’d be safe; no one knew the mountains like us Kumo ninjas. Surely even jounins wouldn’t attack us in our own country.
As the river waves quietly rippled down the mountain, I let my guard down. Walking along the edge of the riverbank, I closed my eyes and tried to calm my nervous self.
This was my first C-rank mission, and it was near the village. As a newly-minted genin, I probably wasn't ready for the consequences--but Lord Raikage apparently decided otherwise. He’d said I could handle it.
I failed to notice the unusual movement of the fog, nor the faint chakra signatures heading our way. I also noticed the heavy killing intent too late.Hiroto and Yukina, my newly-minted chuunin teammates, were relaxing in their own way.
Though I’m still not sure if relaxing meant trying to climb up the mountains without the use of chakra.
But I guess I took a liking to my new teammates Hiroto and Yukina. Although we hadn't taken a mission together before, they were fun and easygoing unlike most other people I met.
Their deaths weren’t the first I had ever witnessed.
Their deaths weren’t the last I ever witnessed, either. Life as a ninja guarantees this fact. We are cold-blooded killers after all. Even six-year-olds like me are included.
And all too often, those cold-blooded killers aren’t what they seem. Or who they seem. Like the Konoha jounins that showed up that day.
Hiroto had gone down, sliced to pieces by waves of silver swords. As Yukina and I rushed over to him, the cursed Konoha jounins lunged in for the kill. When the rogue ninjas stopped attacking him, a corpse was lying on the jagged rocks.
Yukina wasn’t six years old like me. She was a chunin, and at least 7 years older than me. However, it couldn’t prevent her from dodging all of the jounins’ attacks. The only thing she could do was shield me from the incoming swirl of blades. It reminded me of--for a brief moment--a mother trying to protect her child.
I stare at Hiroto’s body while catching the sharp scent of blood.
Finally, Yukina slumps over completely.
My teammates are gone. Their bodies are broken and splattered with blood. And soon, I’ll meet that fate too.
The * of rogue jounin ninja grin maniacally, as if they anticipate my death gleefully. Their headbands gleam, all showing scratched-out Konoha insignias. Their green vests stand out and shine like they haven’t been through wear.
SWISH!I lurch back at the sight just as they dive towards me.
I know I can’t beat them. I’m six and I can’t control my chakra properly. I only know a few jutsus, and they only consist of lightning and speed techniques.
The jounins seem slightly intimidated, waving their swords shakily. I can't help but notice the red liquid dripping off the blades.
Their blood is still fresh on the blades.
Oh god oh god oh god no...
I'm frozen stiff, unable to move a muscle.
I see red as my back explodes in shriveling pain.
THEYHAVEBLOODTHEYHAVEBLOODTHEYHAVEBLOODKILLKILL THEMKILL THEM ALL
I lose consciousness just as the scent of more blood travels to my nose. This post was last edited by MisakiFuuji at 2017-5-6 08:39
  • Registered: 2017-07-24
  • Topics: 8
  • Posts: 178
On 2017-02-18 17:31:27Show this Author Only
2#
I liked the read but I don't understand how a six year old had been in the ANBU for ages. And please know this isn't destructive criticism, I'm just curious about that plot point. Also, I'm not entirely sure that Hidden Cloud has ANBU. I think it might be best if you took the ANBU stuff out, and made your character a Genin. But a prodigy Genin.

Everything was well written and I would love to read more.
  • Registered: 2017-07-24
  • Topics: 33
  • Posts: 270
On 2017-02-18 20:30:21Show this Author Only
3#
  • Beji On 2017-02-18 17:31:27
  • I liked the read but I don't understand how a six year old had been in the ANBU for ages. And please know this isn't destructive criticism, I'm just curious about that plot point. Also, I'm not entirely sure that Hidden Cloud has ANBU. I think it might be best if you took the ANBU stuff out, and made your character a Genin. But a prodigy Genin.

    Everything was well written and I would love to read more.
Thanks for the honest criticism ^^ That particular plot point was based on a theory about the mains being in the ANBU secretly, but I might rewrite the story a bit
And I didn't realize Hidden Cloud didn't have ANBU *sweatdrop* Good catch!
This post was last edited by MisakiFuuji at 2017-2-18 20:38 This post was last edited by MisakiFuuji at 2017-2-18 20:47
  • Registered: 2017-07-24
  • Topics: 5
  • Posts: 115
On 2017-02-18 23:47:19Show this Author Only
4#
I ditto Beji's post above.

And all that said, your story is quite interesting and I'm waiting for more~!
  • Registered: 2017-07-24
  • Topics: 8
  • Posts: 178
On 2017-02-19 20:04:20Show this Author Only
5#
You could use the deaths of your comrades to push your character down a darker road to join some sort of ANBU. It could be a driving point that ultimately turns you into a cold blooded assassin. I could be wrong about Cloud not having ANBU, some sources say that every village has them while others limit it to Leaf, Sand and Mist.

I did some reading on the matter and it seems the lack of information about it could help validate it's existence. Kishimoto released a databook a while back that explained Hunter-nin were Mist exclusive among a lot of other things, and if ANBU were exlcusive to only Leaf, Mist and Sand it should have been denoted there.

But perhaps you could skip this all together. The Raikage bestows Kanji Tattoo's to people of prominence so perhaps you could use that to give you the same prestige as an ANBU. Maybe it could be "Lighting" on his right arm and "Blade" on his left or something. Given the lack of information you could go either way, but bear in mind Kakashi was considered an elite genius and he wasn't even an ANBU until he was 13..but the guy was a Chunin at 6 which imo seems pretty excessive.

I can't wait to read more though, so please get to work! :D
  • Registered: 2017-07-24
  • Topics: 33
  • Posts: 270
On 2017-02-20 10:13:43Show this Author Only
6#
  • Beji On 2017-02-19 20:04:20
  • You could use the deaths of your comrades to push your character down a darker road to join some sort of ANBU. It could be a driving point that ultimately turns you into a cold blooded assassin. I could be wrong about Cloud not having ANBU, some sources say that every village has them while others limit it to Leaf, Sand and Mist.

    I did some reading on the matter and it seems the lack of information about it could help validate it's existence. Kishimoto released a databook a while back that explained Hunter-nin were Mist exclusive among a lot of other things, and if ANBU were exlcusive to only Leaf, Mist and Sand it should have been denoted there.

    But perhaps you could skip this all together. The Raikage bestows Kanji Tattoo's to people of prominence so perhaps you could use that to give you the same prestige as an ANBU. Maybe it could be "Lighting" on his right arm and "Blade" on his left or something. Given the lack of information you could go either way, but bear in mind Kakashi was considered an elite genius and he wasn't even an ANBU until he was 13..but the guy was a Chunin at 6 which imo seems pretty excessive.

    I can't wait to read more though, so please get to work! :D
Your suggestions sound pretty interesting! I would've considered giving Kyoma tattoos if he were older, but he's kind of... six. :o
And yes, he is going down quite a dark path *pauses to wonder what Kyoma did to deserve this*
I'm not big on deviating from canon (except for OCs), so I probably won't add any Cloud ANBU into the story unless there's some actual confirmation of Cloud ANBU existing.
Thanks for your encouragement though! I'll be able to post the new chapter soon
  • Registered: 2017-07-24
  • Topics: 7
  • Posts: 87
On 2017-02-20 22:28:54Show this Author Only
7#
  • MisakiFuuji On 2017-02-18 20:30:21
  • Thanks for the honest criticism ^^ That particular plot point was based on a theory about the mains being in the ANBU secretly, but I might rewrite the story a bit
    And I didn't realize Hidden Cloud didn't have ANBU *sweatdrop* Good catch!
    This post was last edited by MisakiFuuji at 2017-2-18 20:38 This post was last edited by MisakiFuuji at 2017-2-18 20:47
I really like that theory! It does tie in with the main story about training with the ANBU captain and following orders from him! :lol

Around 5 to 8 years would usually be when Genins would enter academy for Konoha and I believe for most villages. Unless Kyoma's the next coming of Itachi (7) (or Kakashi (5), or Orochimaru (6)), it's likely he'll be recruited into the ANBU after 3/4 years when he graduate. So maybe make him 7/8 years old?
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